Since I was a teenager, I have always been scared that I am going to end up like my mother.  She passed away from breast cancer when I was 12.  She was only 33, but they caught it too late and could never do enough to get rid of it.  Please don’t get me wrong here - I never really knew my mom.  My dad and his mother raised me from the age of 4.  I didn’t even get a chance to see her in the hospital before she died, so it’s not like I saw her suffering or was deeply impacted like other surviving families are by this dreaded disease.  A couple of years ago I found out that both of my aunts also had been diagnosed, one of them pre-menopausal as well.  She had her first diagnosis at the age of 43 and after a second lump was found years later, she decided to check out this genetic testing of the BCRA-1 and BCRA-2 genes (BReast CAncer Gene 1 and BReast CAncer Gene 2).  This test pinpointed the gene that is carrying the mutation which causes breast and ovarian cancer in our family.  She was given a positive result for the BRCA-1 gene mutation, which now meant that everyone in the family could go for a simple blood test to determine if they carry the same gene mutation.  Finally – a way to find out ahead of time if you’re going to end up with cancer.  Of course, a positive result does not mean that you are going to get cancer, only that your risk of developing it is very high.  It also means being added into the high-risk cancer clinic and receiving free preventative surgery and help with any concerns you may have.  All the women in the immediate family went and had the test done, and everyone came out with a positive result - that is, until I got my results back today.  I am pretty sure I was the last one to get the test done, and most of the women in the family had already had or at least scheduled the surgery to have their breasts and ovaries removed (if over 30 years old) by the time I went in for my appointment.  I think it was harder waiting for those results than anything else, especially when I went into this “knowing” I’d get a positive result just like everyone else in my family.

When I was told this morning that my test came back negative, I should have been ecstatic.  Unfortunately, for some reasons that I cannot fully understand, never mind explain, I am not as relieved or as happy as I should be about these results.  I should be shouting it from the rooftops – I am not at high risk for developing breast/ovarian cancer!  In fact, I have just as great a risk as anyone else in my state of health.

To me, all that really means is that, if I do develop cancer, I will suffer – first because I will have cancer, and second because I will not be able to afford all the medical attention I would need to fight it and not end up like my mother.  I don’t even have children.  That is actually another factor that contributes to my risk.  It turns out, if your mother had breast cancer pre-menopausal, and you don’t have children by the time you are 30, your risk of developing the breast cancer yourself is greater. But hey, that’s only one of the risk factors. There are so many, it shouldn’t matter.  If I want to avoid developing cancer, I need to completely change my way of living.  But really there is no way to avoid it.  I always knew I’d end up with cancer, and that really hasn’t changed.  All this test has done for me is told me that I don’t have the same gene mutation that my aunt does, although my sisters came back positive.  But they’re twins, so I guess that only counts as one result.  To me, my risk is the same as it always was.  My mom had it, and so will I.  I know that is such negative thinking, and it probably shouldn’t be allowed after the result I was given this morning.  I guess, when you spend 15 years believing something, it isn’t so easy to change that, even with a negative result.  But at least I can move on and go back to just living my life and not worrying any more.